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| What do you think?; My original work | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 22 2005, 12:10 PM (485 Views) | |
| joe-hpt | Jan 22 2005, 12:10 PM Post #1 |
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Non Omnis Moriar.
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A couple months ago I posted an excerpt from my poem. Now that is has been done. Actually it has been for like two or three months but I haven't had the time to post it anywhere. Well, I did post it on some poerty website but I forgot what it was called. LOL Here's all of it. What do you guys think? You are welcomed to suggest correction. The ticket I sit here on this carpet In this lonely dark house I can’t trust anyone For I fear they might take my ticket I have kicked out my family Fearing they might take my ticket Waiting for the new day to come To call the officials I go outside to board-up the house Fearing the neighbors might want to have a look What are you doing asked one of my neighbors Nothing nothing I replied Well that sure don’t look like nothin’ I look at him through the corner of my eye Watching every move he makes Fearing he might take my ticket Done boarding-up the house I go inside to hide from the world Fearing that they might take my ticket It’s very dark in this lonely house No family to talk to No friends to chat with No light no nothing No laughter just sadness Hearing voices in my head Driving me very crazy Don’t know how much I can take Trying very hard to keep them out Voices voices everywhere Trying to stay alive for fearing someone might take my ticket Can’t take it anymore 9:30pm seeing things From the corner of my eyes Not knowing what they are I start shooting at them fearing they might take my ticket They don’t seem to die I have destroyed the whole house I hear sirens coming my way Holding my ticket tight in hand I hear knocking at the door I hide my ticket Fearing they might want to take it away I take my gun Walking slowly towards the door I look all around for the voices and shadows Fearing that they might catch me off guard And take my ticket I hear pounding at the door Open up I hear You won’t get my ticket I yell Open the door sir I hear again No stay back I’ll shoot For I’m fearing you might want to take my ticket We’re here to help I don’t believe them I run back upstairs Looking through a hole in the window I see the police I can’t take it anymore I start shooting them from the little hole for I fear they might want to take my ticket I shoot one goes down I shot again and another goes down They start shooting back I shot back at them You’re not taking my ticket I yell We’re not here to take your ticket They respond I shoot again for I fear that they might want my ticket They shoot back Can’t concentrate anymore For the voices and shadows are coming back again Go away leave me alone I didn’t do anything I yell I’m doing this because I fear they might want to take my ticket away 11:30pm I’m still hiding inside my dark and lonely home For I fear that if I leave they may take my ticket They’re trying to get in Trying to break down the door by force I see my family standing outside crying Now I’m really confused and don’t know what to do Still I hear voices and see the shadows on the walls My heart beating faster and faster Shot are heard on every side of the house I’m scared and I don’t know do For I fear that my actions may cause trouble And I’ll have to go away forever The voices are getting louder The shadows are moving faster and faster I hide under the sheets For I fear they might take my ticket I lay there in bed Tears falling down my cheeks forming a puddle I can’t take it anymore I grab my gun Run towards the door I start shooting everything I see for I fear they might take my ticket The police manage to finally break down the door Rushing in one by one I start shooting Now that I put myself in this position Why live why why I fall to the ground not knowing what to do next I look at everyone in the living room including my family For they have managed to get in I grab my ticket and close my hand tight for I fear they might take my ticket I grab the gun with my other hand I raise it up and point it towards my head I take one last look at my family With tears falling down my cheeks The police finally get the idea of what’s going on They try to stop me I close my eyes while holding the trigger Slowly I pull it not knowing what I’m doing Police are rushing towards me I can’t take it anymore As I pulled the trigger I saw a flash A beautiful flash showing everything I have accomplished in life and what I haven’t I fall to the ground I’m not fully dead yet so I can see and hear my family crying They cannot believe what I have just done And neither can I I can feel my wife holding he with her soft warm hands My children crying Police officers shaking their head At what I have just done Nothing will undo what I have just done All for a silly piece of paper That had no actual value other than winning the lottery Nothing on that piece of paper is important to me now All I wanted to do now is die in peace I find it harder to breathe after every breath I take I feeling very cold After everything I went through This is what my fear brought me I thought it would bring me money But instead it brought me death I now have nothing to do with the ticket But to give it to my family Give it to them so they can pay for the funeral All I want to do now is wake up Wake up from this horrible dream I’m having I find that it’s no use For now I will never wake up For the greed that I once had Led me to my death Now I know what death feels like It feels cold and lonely And I fear that my family might not come to visit me at my grave Now that my time has passed I must stop playing the game As I have played with all the cards that I have been delt |
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| Logik | Jan 22 2005, 12:12 PM Post #2 |
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it's not sparkly enough
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Great job. ![]() But whats with all the shooting?
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| XSLASH | Jan 22 2005, 12:23 PM Post #3 |
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Unregistered
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because usa is full of it i like it |
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| joe-hpt | Jan 22 2005, 02:55 PM Post #4 |
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Non Omnis Moriar.
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Thanx XSLASH |
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| joe-hpt | Jan 22 2005, 08:08 PM Post #5 |
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Non Omnis Moriar.
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Well, I wanted the guy to get really wacked up so when the police showed up me just might of been capable of anything. In this case shooting. THat's why there's a lot of shooting. |
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| Loona | Jan 22 2005, 09:44 PM Post #6 |
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Flawgic Loless
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Nice work. Just noticed something in my passing through it(I noticed something else, but can't find it anymore >_< ):
??? Maybe? :stefan: But anyways, it's good. |
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| FusedFox | Jan 22 2005, 09:56 PM Post #7 |
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The End Has Passed
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... a little over observant are we? :stefan: |
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| AndrewF31 | Jan 22 2005, 10:05 PM Post #8 |
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Otorrinolaringologista
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Good stuff! In paragraph 11, you probably meant "I shoot back"? |
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| joe-hpt | Jan 22 2005, 11:46 PM Post #9 |
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Non Omnis Moriar.
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You're right. Thanks for pointing that out. I would have never of noticed that. |
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| joe-hpt | Jan 22 2005, 11:49 PM Post #10 |
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Non Omnis Moriar.
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Thanx Luna for pointing that out, |
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