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What do you think?; My original work
Topic Started: Jan 22 2005, 12:10 PM (485 Views)
joe-hpt
Non Omnis Moriar.
[ *  *  * ]
A couple months ago I posted an excerpt from my poem. Now that is has been done. Actually it has been for like two or three months but I haven't had the time to post it anywhere. Well, I did post it on some poerty website but I forgot what it was called. LOL Here's all of it. What do you guys think? You are welcomed to suggest correction.

The ticket

I sit here on this carpet
In this lonely dark house
I can’t trust anyone
For I fear they might take my ticket
I have kicked out my family
Fearing they might take my ticket

Waiting for the new day to come
To call the officials
I go outside to board-up the house
Fearing the neighbors might want to have a look
What are you doing asked one of my neighbors
Nothing nothing I replied

Well that sure don’t look like nothin’
I look at him through the corner of my eye
Watching every move he makes
Fearing he might take my ticket
Done boarding-up the house
I go inside to hide from the world

Fearing that they might take my ticket
It’s very dark in this lonely house
No family to talk to
No friends to chat with
No light no nothing
No laughter just sadness

Hearing voices in my head
Driving me very crazy
Don’t know how much I can take
Trying very hard to keep them out
Voices voices everywhere
Trying to stay alive for fearing someone might take my ticket

Can’t take it anymore
9:30pm seeing things
From the corner of my eyes
Not knowing what they are
I start shooting at them fearing they might take my ticket
They don’t seem to die


I have destroyed the whole house
I hear sirens coming my way
Holding my ticket tight in hand
I hear knocking at the door
I hide my ticket
Fearing they might want to take it away

I take my gun
Walking slowly towards the door
I look all around for the voices and shadows
Fearing that they might catch me off guard
And take my ticket
I hear pounding at the door

Open up I hear
You won’t get my ticket I yell
Open the door sir I hear again
No stay back I’ll shoot
For I’m fearing you might want to take my ticket
We’re here to help

I don’t believe them
I run back upstairs
Looking through a hole in the window I see the police
I can’t take it anymore
I start shooting them from the little hole for I fear they might want to take my ticket
I shoot one goes down I shot again and another goes down

They start shooting back
I shot back at them
You’re not taking my ticket I yell
We’re not here to take your ticket
They respond
I shoot again for I fear that they might want my ticket

They shoot back
Can’t concentrate anymore
For the voices and shadows are coming back again
Go away leave me alone
I didn’t do anything I yell
I’m doing this because I fear they might want to take my ticket away

11:30pm I’m still hiding inside my dark and lonely home
For I fear that if I leave they may take my ticket
They’re trying to get in
Trying to break down the door by force
I see my family standing outside crying
Now I’m really confused and don’t know what to do

Still I hear voices and see the shadows on the walls
My heart beating faster and faster
Shot are heard on every side of the house
I’m scared and I don’t know do
For I fear that my actions may cause trouble
And I’ll have to go away forever

The voices are getting louder
The shadows are moving faster and faster
I hide under the sheets
For I fear they might take my ticket
I lay there in bed
Tears falling down my cheeks forming a puddle

I can’t take it anymore
I grab my gun
Run towards the door
I start shooting everything I see for I fear they might take my ticket
The police manage to finally break down the door
Rushing in one by one I start shooting

Now that I put myself in this position
Why live why why
I fall to the ground not knowing what to do next
I look at everyone in the living room including my family
For they have managed to get in
I grab my ticket and close my hand tight for I fear they might take my ticket

I grab the gun with my other hand
I raise it up and point it towards my head
I take one last look at my family
With tears falling down my cheeks
The police finally get the idea of what’s going on
They try to stop me

I close my eyes while holding the trigger
Slowly I pull it not knowing what I’m doing
Police are rushing towards me
I can’t take it anymore
As I pulled the trigger I saw a flash
A beautiful flash showing everything I have accomplished in life and what I haven’t

I fall to the ground
I’m not fully dead yet so I can see and hear my family crying
They cannot believe what I have just done
And neither can I
I can feel my wife holding he with her soft warm hands

My children crying
Police officers shaking their head
At what I have just done
Nothing will undo what I have just done
All for a silly piece of paper
That had no actual value other than winning the lottery

Nothing on that piece of paper is important to me now
All I wanted to do now is die in peace
I find it harder to breathe after every breath I take
I feeling very cold
After everything I went through
This is what my fear brought me

I thought it would bring me money
But instead it brought me death
I now have nothing to do with the ticket
But to give it to my family
Give it to them so they can pay for the funeral

All I want to do now is wake up
Wake up from this horrible dream I’m having
I find that it’s no use
For now I will never wake up
For the greed that I once had
Led me to my death

Now I know what death feels like
It feels cold and lonely
And I fear that my family might not come to visit me at my grave
Now that my time has passed
I must stop playing the game
As I have played with all the cards that I have been delt
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Logik
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it's not sparkly enough
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Great job. :wub:

But whats with all the shooting? :ermm:
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XSLASH
Unregistered

because usa is full of it ;)
i like it
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joe-hpt
Non Omnis Moriar.
[ *  *  * ]
XSLASH
January 22, 2005 11:23 AM
because usa is full of it ;)
i like it

Thanx XSLASH
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joe-hpt
Non Omnis Moriar.
[ *  *  * ]
Logik
January 22, 2005 11:12 AM
Great job. :wub:

But whats with all the shooting? :ermm:

Well, I wanted the guy to get really wacked up so when the police showed up me just might of been capable of anything. In this case shooting. THat's why there's a lot of shooting.
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Loona
Member Avatar
Flawgic Loless
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Nice work. :)

Just noticed something in my passing through it(I noticed something else, but can't find it anymore >_< ):

Paragraph 14
 
Still I hear voices and see the shadows on the walls
My heart beating faster and faster
Shot are heard on every side of the house
I’m scared and I don’t know do
For I fear that my actions may cause trouble
And I’ll have to go away forever


Paragraph 14
 
Still I hear voices and see the shadows on the walls
My heart beating faster and faster
Shots are heard on every side of the house
I’m scared and I don’t know what to do
For I fear that my actions may cause trouble
And I’ll have to go away forever
??? Maybe? :stefan:

But anyways, it's good.
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FusedFox
Member Avatar
The End Has Passed
[ *  *  *  * ]
Luna
January 22, 2005 08:44 PM
Nice work. :)

Just noticed something in my passing through it(I noticed something else, but can't find it anymore >_< ):

Paragraph 14
 
Still I hear voices and see the shadows on the walls
My heart beating faster and faster
Shot are heard on every side of the house
I’m scared and I don’t know do
For I fear that my actions may cause trouble
And I’ll have to go away forever


Paragraph 14
 
Still I hear voices and see the shadows on the walls
My heart beating faster and faster
Shots are heard on every side of the house
I’m scared and I don’t know what to do
For I fear that my actions may cause trouble
And I’ll have to go away forever
??? Maybe? :stefan:

But anyways, it's good.

... a little over observant are we? :stefan:
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AndrewF31
Member Avatar
Otorrinolaringologista
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Good stuff!

In paragraph 11, you probably meant "I shoot back"?
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joe-hpt
Non Omnis Moriar.
[ *  *  * ]
fuhr_andrew
January 22, 2005 09:05 PM
Good stuff!

In paragraph 11, you probably meant "I shoot back"?

You're right. Thanks for pointing that out. I would have never of noticed that.
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joe-hpt
Non Omnis Moriar.
[ *  *  * ]
Luna
January 22, 2005 08:44 PM
Nice work. :)

Just noticed something in my passing through it(I noticed something else, but can't find it anymore >_< ):

Paragraph 14
 
Still I hear voices and see the shadows on the walls
My heart beating faster and faster
Shot are heard on every side of the house
I’m scared and I don’t know do
For I fear that my actions may cause trouble
And I’ll have to go away forever


Paragraph 14
 
Still I hear voices and see the shadows on the walls
My heart beating faster and faster
Shots are heard on every side of the house
I’m scared and I don’t know what to do
For I fear that my actions may cause trouble
And I’ll have to go away forever
??? Maybe? :stefan:

But anyways, it's good.

Thanx Luna for pointing that out,
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