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Jokes, riddles, and some random thoughts
Topic Started: Jan 30 2005, 06:11 PM (647 Views)
ks520_rubicon
Member
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Just post some jokes, or just something that might make you think a little. Just make this a fun little thread. :) Keep 'em clean, I guess. :P

----------------------

Quote:
 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!
* Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an
entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default
to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a virus that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3
* Help Desk



Quote:
 
A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories:

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." And what is the moral to that story?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched." "That was a fine example, Tammy. Paula, I believe you had your hand up next." "Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Robin was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?" "Stay the heck away from Aunt Robin when she's been drinking."
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lukyboy2435
Member Avatar
Monday-8 EST-FOX
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
ks520
Jan 30 2005, 05:11 PM
Just post some jokes, or just something that might make you think a little. Just make this a fun little thread. :) Keep 'em clean, I guess. :P

----------------------

Quote:
 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!
* Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an
entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default
to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a virus that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3
* Help Desk



Quote:
 
A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories:

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." And what is the moral to that story?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched." "That was a fine example, Tammy. Paula, I believe you had your hand up next." "Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Robin was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?" "Stay the heck away from Aunt Robin when she's been drinking."

i cant compete with that but i will try

Quote:
 
a 4th grade teacher war teaching her class about compound words. She used some examples and asked someone in the class to tell her one. Billy raised his hand and said "How about asphault?"


got that one from readers digest ;)

another one from RD
Quote:
 
Two men were walking their dogs. One says lets go to that fancy resturaunt. The other complains how they wont let dogs in. The first man then puts on sunglasses and walks in. He said he was blind and he got a table. The other guy walked in with a pair of sunglasses on too. This time  the owner was there and said that he couldnt trick him because the dog was a poodle. In a surprised voice the man replies "They gave me a poodle!?!"
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Demockracy
punk in drublic
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
keep em clean... man...

i dont really know, i have a high-grade stash of penis jokes...

oh wait!

Quote:
 
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a 96 chevrolet impala?




theres no impala in my garage
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ks520_rubicon
Member
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Quote:
 
Hello, is this the FBI?

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy"


:lol:
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GDF
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Hey
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Haha, great stuff
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Curry
Member Avatar

[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
After a long and fun-filled night, a chicken plops to the other side of the bed, sweating and breathing heavily. He suddently turns to his partner, an egg, and says sturnly, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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ks520_rubicon
Member
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Quote:
 
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This
catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the
lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The
lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back
to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to
sleep.
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Reedy
Member Avatar
squall is MINE! <3
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
ks520
Jan 31 2005, 02:41 AM
Quote:
 
Hello, is this the FBI?

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy"


:lol:

Lol. :lol:
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Necromantic
Reverence Lost
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
"A Good Friend Stabs You In The Front" >_>
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Ice_Matrix
Keyboard Controller
[ *  *  *  * ]
ks520
Jan 31 2005, 02:41 AM
Quote:
 
Hello, is this the FBI?

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy"

Along those same lines...

An old man is unable to plant in his backyard garden because his son, who normally digs up the soil has been incarcerated on suspicion of multiple counts of homicide. He tells his son this during visiting hours, and later receives a letter from the lad telling him not to dig up the garden because that's where he hid the bodies.

The next day, the local and state constabulary are round at the old man's house, digging up the garden, but they find nothing. The old man's son rings him later that evening, and tells him "I'm sorry, dad, but that was the best I could do under the circumstances."
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Clair
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Successful at last.
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]


Two vaccum cleaners are chatting, one says to the other 'you suck!'

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says 'why the long face?'

:P
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Darkshrimp
Member Avatar
if in doubt, love
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Quote:
 
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?" Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"


My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher". Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?" David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."


*from Chain mails*
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AuraStorm
Member Avatar
Lol Wut. That's what he's saying ^
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Darkshrimp
Jan 31 2005, 01:03 PM
Quote:
 
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?" Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"


My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher". Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?" David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."


*from Chain mails*

:haha:
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Kman
Member Avatar
aka chawk / Xanthom
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
What's the difference between a Jew and a large size pizza?

The pizza can support a family of four.



Your momma's so stupid she stole free cheese!




Good **** :X
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UnderBlade
Member Avatar
Chamillionaire
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Mine are short ...
Quote:
 
Your mommas so black, they poured hot water on her and it made coffee.

Your so fat, the last time you saw 90210 was on the scale.


Yeah, they suck, so what?

(Oh yeah, just so everyone knows and doesnt say UnderBlade is back, UnderBlade is back, I just came by to check whats happening and I wanted to post these.)

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