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Secrets Held Whithin; a story.
Topic Started: Jun 17 2005, 02:10 PM (599 Views)
Zythion
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Sānhéhuì - 三合會i
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Justin: I am a boy. :P

Innocence: Thanks, it helps me to calmer.. *which is weird..* and i enjoy it..
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Ivanhoe
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------
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
"I am tallish"

I stopped reading there....
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Zythion
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Sānhéhuì - 三合會i
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
OK..well, i have more.


Continued...

“Here, is your guide” he told me, whilst producing a kind of large rabbit. “He is called Rambo, if you call him anything else, he will get angry, and when you get smalza’s angry, they tear you apart. The good thing about smalzas is that they have a very vast knowledge of Zotan, which is this planet. They can be the best companions, if you use their real names. So, this is your guide, he knows of the golden leaves and the one Blue bird. He has seen them. He will protect you and keep you well nourished. Well, anyway. You will need this” with that, he produced a small gold necklace. “ With this, you can keep in touch with me anywhere. The final thing that you will receive off me to help you on your journey is this:” With that he produced a staff. “This magical staff, will help you with light, it can cover you from sleet. (We have an awful lot of sleet..) It has more properties, but we have not discovered them all yet. You will be trained quickly and efficiently to use this. It is powerful, and on your journey, you are bound to keep it with you. You will also, always learn new enchantments to use.
Now though, we shall take you to the Grand master. He is old and is called Talher”
He then took me out of the room, I gathered the staff and put the necklace on whilst Rambo followed behind me. We turned left down one corridor, past 17 doors. Then, we turned right and looked around in delight. The room was massive, with great decoration. All around there was Sky blue shields hung on the wall.
“Ahh I see you like the holy shields? Yes, blue is the sacred colour of Zotan. Well, I am the grandmaster of these halls. I suppose you need me to teach you the ability to use the staff? Well come over here.” That was really strange, it wasn’t someone speaking out loud, it was in my head, but not my voice. I wandered around, until a little creature with long ears, poked out. He was all wrinkly, and had large grey eyes.
“Its ok, I am a Slixor, I can read minds and talk to things through telepathy.”
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Zythion
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Sānhéhuì - 三合會i
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I was wandering whether this Slixor could be the grand master, when he told me himself, that he was. He then took me over to this corner where there was a seat. He told me to sit down and relax. Here, I was very nervous. Because he started to go in a trance, and my head filled up like bubbles. I was about to explode when it all stopped. I sat up and he merely blinked at me. This is what he then told me, “ I have taught you everything I know about the staffs. I also bunched your memory up, so it is more organised. You also know how to use telepathy. You were a quick user and so, easy. You are going to succeed in this journey, because you have an advantage to the others. Yes, we have taken 6 others from your world to help us. Each has died early on. You are different, your mind is not crammed, and it is quiet and peaceful. This will always help you, and it is a great quality.” When he had finished, he blinked and vanished. I took my staff, which by the way, is the size of a perfect walking stick for me. I looked at it, and suddenly I realised, I did know everything. But it came automatically to me, just like walking. I never had to think about using it, I just did.
So, I started walking to a Blue tablet, when Rambo turned up. He smiled to me, because he knew I had learnt everything. I started using my telepathy to him, “Rambo, What does this tablet say?” He shuddered, and told me.
“It tells us of the past, our past is dreadful, the gillians, those were evil beings trying to take us all out. They made the great storms, and they still have spirits around here.”
I was felling strange, I felt rather open, since things could read my mind. But, I was always thinking that I could help these creatures. I wanted to and I needed to. After this, I was kept in this ‘house’ to learn more about Zotan. I guess, I learned a lot, but that was nothing to what I learned in the wild.

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Sytex
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AEKDB
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Aside from punctual, grammatical, and spelling errors, it's a nice start you have here. Continue writing, and your skills will only improve.
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Zythion
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Sānhéhuì - 三合會i
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Thank you sytex, i started this because i was bored, but now, i am getting into it. I will continue writing now that i like doing so. :)
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Curare
laaaaaaax.
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
The actual storyline is pretty good, but there's a lot of gramatical mistakes and awkwardness that really become turn-offs to the story, especially in the beginning. And that's the worst place for them.
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Clair
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Successful at last.
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Posting as per your PM request, I agree bascially with what Sytex said..its a good story and keep going. Keep at it :D
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Zythion
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Sānhéhuì - 三合會i
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
ForceEight
Jun 24 2005, 03:47 PM
The actual storyline is pretty good, but there's a lot of gramatical mistakes and awkwardness that really become turn-offs to the story, especially in the beginning. And that's the worst place for them.

Yeah, when i re-red through it, i always say the worst bit is the beginning.
Once the whole story is finished, i am going to re-write it, so it is much more smoothly written.


* I also pm'ed you Guys/Gals, because I need feedback to get better. :)
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