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The SZ Holiday Party; A strange story by a strange hippy.
Topic Started: Dec 24 2005, 08:00 PM (1,522 Views)
Aaron-ZNR
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seek a newer world
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Thought it might be amusing to write a nice story for you members. So, here you go. Nice story. That was my nice act of the year. You have to deal with a mean Goe for the rest of '05. :arr:. With any luck, the story will amuse you too. Writing it certainly amused me. :wub:

-----------------------

The SZ Holiday Party

::Scene opens up in Goe's 'office' (also known as a giant refrigerator box), with Trav-Man standing outside at the door::

Sounds from inside: Mmmm... unh! Urgh. Argh. AUGH! UNNH!!!
Trav-Man: ...uh. What the?
Sounds from inside: Mmmhffph... URRRRRRRAGH! [Howard Dean scream]!

::Goe walks out, yells, and throws a pickle jar at the nearest wall. The nearest wall happens to be 2 feet away, so the glass shatters and scatters across the floor::

Goe: Drat.
Trav-Man: Didn't think that through, did you?
Goe: Not really. Well, at least it's open. -picks up a pickle, bites-. Mmm. Pickles with glass. Delicious.
Trav-Man: Are you human?
Goe: Depends on the definition.
Trav-Man: I don't even want to know.
Goe: I suppose you don't.
Trav-Man: Well, I was just wondering. Do you think we could have a SZ Christmas Party? Really. I want to celebrate Jesus' birth by... er... partying.
Goe: You mean drinking a lot and smoking?
Trav: Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

::Glitch runs in, does a running tackle, and wrestles Trav offscreen::

Goe: ...how does he do that?

::Goe shrugs, and grabs another glass-pickle::

Goe: Ah, glass-pickle. What would you do for a Klondike bar, my dear friend?
Pickle: ...
Goe: Hmm. Taking an eternal vow of silence is pretty steep. Klondike bars aren't that good. Or are they? Hmm. What a pickle!

::Locke comes running in::

Locke: Okay, I was just in China, but I thought I sensed a bad pun and I HAD TO BE HERE.
Goe: It always works.
Locke: What?
Goe: Nothing, nothing.
Locke: Okay... er... wait... why are eating a pickle with glass stuck in it?
Goe: The glass is the garnish, Brad. You should try one.
Locke: But wouldn't that... kill you, possibly? By cutting up your throat, and all?
Goe: Pish posh. T'will not. Chuck Norris eats these all the time.
Locke: You aren't Chuck Norris.
Goe: Dude, don't go there.
Locke: Okay. Why was Trav over there having a fistfight with Glitch?
Goe: Suggested some sort of Christmas party. Not a bad idea, but we may want to switch to a Holiday party.
Locke: Hey, hey. NO.
Goe: Why?
Locke: We have 11 year olds here, man. When some of the members hear the word "party", they--

::suddenly, a gaggle of members runs past stark naked::

Goe: I see your point.
Locke: Maybe we can hide the party?
Goe: A secret party? Hmm. What if we have a clothes-gluing party?
Locke: That's a no-go. Everyone will want to glue clothes to Krissy or Libra.
Goe: True. Hmm. What if we called it a holiday party?
Locke: That's... quite possibly the stupidest idea I've ever hea--
Goe: Right, let's do it.
Locke: But we have--
Goe: I'll plan it.
Locke: Wait just a se--
Goe: I'll bring the chips, you bring a dessert items. I'll get the staff. Thanks for your rousing agreement, I won't forget it!

::Goe rushes off::

Locke: Oh, how I hate you. :(

------------
::Two days have passed. Goe has prepared a smashing party, and booked the Beatles to play. Never mind that they're dead, they'll play! Goe booked them, man! Binding contract! But anyway. It's about 2 hours before the set party-time, and Goe is walking around the staff lounge::

Goe: Well. Today's a good day. Party coming soon, can't see anything wrong about to happen...
Ross: Hey, Goe!
Goe: Damnit! Spoke too soon!
Ross: You hurt my feelings. With extra hurt. :(
Goe: Aww. Sorry. Have a pickle.
Ross: Dude. That would kill me.
Goe: Then you just aren't man enough.
Ross: You have broken my soul.
Goe: Freakin' sweet, man! I need to get some newspapers printed.
Trav-Man: With what on them?
Goe: Woah! You came out of nowhere! But I have a great headline idea.
Trav-Man: Show, show.
Goe: Kay.

::scribbles on a piece of paper::

Posted Image

Trav-Man: Goe, your handwriting sucks.
Ross: Yeah, really.
Goe: Yeah? Well... your taste in music is awful.
Ross: Goe?
Goe: Yeah?
Ross: You're a hippy.
Goe: That's right.
Ross: Case closed.
Goe: ...I hate you.

::Suddenly...::

Bill O'Reilly: YAAAH!!!
Goe: Oh, crap! Not you!
Bill: Yes, me! And you are a participant in the war on Christmas .
Goe: Er... what?
Bill: That's right. The WAR ON CHRISTMAS! You little sob. I'm locking you up so you can stop your anti-jesus antics!
Goe: What the hell did I do?
Bill: Why, you held a HOLIDAY party, that's what!
Goe: ...erm. Dude. What was I supposed to call it?
Bill: The Jesus Christian Lovefest Maximus III Celebration of Holiness. Of course!
Goe: That doesn't fit on a placard.
Bill: Why.. I.. er...

::Bill grabs a conveniently placed metal pole, and whacks Goe over the head. He grabs Goe, jumps into a car, and drives away. Locke walks into the scene::

Locke: Where's Goe?
Ross: Abducted by Bill O'Reilly.
Locke: ...are you kidding me?
ForceEight: Unfortunately, no. I have evidence. His saliva scattered for miles while he was yelling. DNA tests aren't wrong.
Ross: You did a DNA test?
ForceEight: Hey, I was bored, alright? JEEZ.
Locke: ...okay.
Ross: On a related note, we need to stop conveniently placing metal poles everywhere.
Locke: But... they add to the decor!
Trav-Man: Only if we're trying to have the decor of the 'Skin' Zone in an entirely different sense.
Zeus00: I'M HERE, LADIES.
Trav-Man: I didn't mean it like that! I meant the... er... Dermatology Zone.

::awkward silence::

Trav-Man: Alright, alright, I did. :(
Locke: Look. Guys. The party is in 2 hours. No Goe, no party.
Ross: Oh, no!
Locke: Call the staff together in a meeting in Goe's office.
Ross: Yes, sir.
Locke: Oh, and also, on a completely unrelated note... glass pickles are sure to cause health defects.
Trav-Man: Did you try one?
Locke: Shut up!

::Silence::

Locke: ...yes. :'(

::After a 2 minute gathering period, Ross is able to locate 10 staff members. He locates ForceEight, Katie, Rocky, Zeus00, Trav-Man, Intimidator (hiding behind a rock), Nicola, Lucius, Alpha, Kyle, and Slayer. Wait, that's 11. AH! UNLUCKY!::

Locke: Alright, everyone. Welcome to Goe's office.
Zeus: Why does Goe live in a box?
Locke: Because Goe is a hobo.
Slayer: Dude, this is a refridgerator box. How are we all fitting in here?
Nicola: By being uncomfortably close to each other, that's how!
ForceEight: Why do I have to be next to Slayer and Kyle? :(
Slayer: You are hot.

::uncomfortable silence::

Locke: Yeah... er... let's relocate outside.
Slayer: :'(

::after walking outside, the 13 (crap, still unlucky!) staffers notice something odd. SZ members are crammed everywhere::

Intimidator: Hey, guys? Why is everyone here? This is the staff lounge.
Locke: I haven't a clue. ::grabs a flyer:: It says here that the party is in... er... 2 hours. But if they show up 2 hours early they'll get to watch a battle between Chuck Norris and Mr. T, and get a free glass-encrusted pickle.
Ross: While that is undoubtably the most awesome thing Goe has ever planned, I cannot see Mr. T or Chuck Norris anywhere. Where could they be?
Locke: I don't know. We need someone to dress up as Chuck Norris, and someone to dress up as Mr. T. Then, we need you to fight. Or the members will tear up the staff lounge, and find my secret stash of cash in the cabash.
Trav-Man: Is cabash even a word?
Locke: No.
Trav-Man: Silly man.
Locke: Argh. Come on. Someone needs to dress up as Mr. T, and someone needs to dress up as Chuck Norris. Come on. Someone. Anyone.
Katie: I'll be Mr. T!
Locke: But... you... I... er... oh, fine. Chuck?
Intimidator: I'm manly enough.
Locke: ...oooookay, guys, go and fight on some pedastal.

::Intimidator and Katie walk away, after putting on hats indicating which one was Chuck and which one was T::

Locke: Did I just make Andrew into Chuck Norris, and make Mr. T into a white teenage girl?
Ross: It appears you did.
Locke: I am going to hell.

------------
::The throng of members gathered for the pre-party show were pacified by the amazing fighting action of the faux T and faux Norris, and left after demanding more requests via loud shouts and dart guns. The 13 staff members gather next to a large SUV::

Locke: Right. So. We storm Fox News, get Goe, leave.
Trav-Man: Can I try and get the rights for my own show?
Locke: Fine. Whatever. Let's go.

::Locke tries to start the car. The engine explodes::

Locke: This... er... wait... how does that even work.

::Shut up. It just does::

Locke: Okay. Well, guys, the engine... er... exploded. Now what?
ForceEight: I say we walk. We're man enough.
Katie: And I'm Mr. T.
Locke: ...of course you are. But... er... the Fox News station is 30 miles away. And we have to cross the aptly named River of Broken Glass, made up of Chuck Norris' broken beer bottles. And don't ask me why he put them there. I think Goe demanded it because he needed extra condiments for his pickles or something. I never thought to ask.
ForceEight: We can walk across that. Come on. I'm man enough.
Katie: And I'm still Mr. T.
Locke: Guys. A river of BROKEN GLASS. That isn't even logically possible.
Intimidator: With the powers of Chuck Norris, anything is possible.
Zeus: Y'all are wack.
Lucius: I agree with Zeus' assessment.
Locke: Fine. We'll walk. Whatever. Anything else, or can we leave?
Ross: Dude. I want guns.
Locke: Oh, for the love of...
Ross: Seriously! We need guns. I want guns. Guns are good. Come on.
Locke: Goe always warned me about giving you guns. Said that you'd shoot your eye out.
Ross: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Intimidator: Oh, fine. Have some guns.
Locke: But... er... I... what...
Ross: YEEEEES!

::Intimidator reaches into a large sack, and gives everyone a gun::

Intimidator: Enjoy.
Ross: Hell yeah! ::throws gun into air, catches it, fires randomly::
Rocky: I'm hit! ::falls to the ground, bleeding::

::awkward silence::

Ross: ...off we go!

::Ross walks away whistling::

Rocky: :(

------------
::Inexplicably, they got to the Fox News station in an hour. No logical explaination, they just did::

Locke: How did we do that?
Ross: It just isn't logically plausible.
Intimidator: With the powers of Chuck Norris, anything is possible.
Locke: Oh, cut it out.
Intimidator: You're no fun. :'(
Trav-Man: Whatever. Let's go in.

::The gaggle of staff members walk in::

Secretary: Sirs and Madame--
Katie: I'm Mr. T!
Secretary: ...er...sirs? State your buisness.
ForceEight: Dinner. Friday night. Me and you.
Locke: Ken! We're here for Goe.
Secretary: Oh! He's hosting the O'Reilly Factor right now. Can he call you back?
Intimidator: Wait... what?
Secretary: Yeah. Bill O'Reilly is in the hospital after eating one of those delicious pickles. So Mr. Goe is hosting his show.

::The staff look at each other::

All together: What the...?
Secretary: Hmm?
Ross: Where's the set?
Secretary: The remote top story, far right.
Locke: Well, duh. Where is it?
Secretary: The remote top story, far right.
Locke: Oh. That wasn't figuratively?
Secretary: Well, either way, really.
Locke: Got it.

------------
::Goe is at Bill O'Reilly's desk, the crowd is laughing. The SZ crew peek through the door::

Goe: Alright, you crazy little ****s, you need to learn some respect for authority. I can eat glass pickles. You can't! Because you all are girly-men! Denny Crane!
Crowd: You are a crazy liberal.
Goe: I'm not a crazy liberal. But, I have an idea. You. ::points to a member of the crowd:: Come here.
Crowd Member: Okay... ::walks up::
Goe: Wish me a Merry Chris--er... Merry birth of Jesus.
Crowd Member: Merry Christmas, you crazy liberal.

::A Howard Dean scream is heard in the distance::

Crowd Member: What the hell?

::Howard Dean jumps through the wall, does a running tackle, and beats the crowd member up::

Goe: Alright. Case closed. I win.
Howard Dean: Dude. That was a cheap trick.
Goe: Well, it worked, didn't it?
Howard Dean: True...
Locke: Oh, enough already!

::Locke bursts through the door, the SZ staffers following him::

Locke: Goe! The party is in 10 minutes. We need you there, or we can't have the party. Get off the set, we need you!
Goe: Hey, Brad. But... Bill is gone. Because he's just not man enough to run this show. But I am!
Trav-Man: Can I run the show?
Locke: Yes! Trav! Run the show! Just get Goe out of there!
Ross: I have an idea. Lets shoot him.

::Awkward Silence::

Ross: What?

::...::

Ross: Okay! Okay! Geez.
Goe: Right. Fine. I'll go back. But how are we going to get there in time? We only have 10 minutes.
ForceEight: Let's use my airplane!
Goe: Ken, you don't have an airplane.
ForceEight: Yes, I do! I keep it in my pocket.
Locke: That isn't logical.
ForceEight: Shut up. Yes it is.

::ForceEight takes an Airplane out of his pocket::

Goe: I think you just broke reality.
ForceEight: Oh, just duct tape it. Let's go!

------------

To conclude, Goe and the gang returned home in time. The Beatles showed up, though unfortunately, Goe's Secretary (who does not exist) accidently mispelled them on the calling card, so we only got a bunch of beetles with scruffy hair on some tiny instruments. But it was pretty tremendous, anyway! Also, Chuck Norris showed up. That was swell.

And the SZ lived happily ever after. The end.
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Juano
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Juano
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I can safely say, I have just laughed so hard no one could fathome it. My God that was good. Great job. I only saw Lucius speak once :P

Yeh, and Happy Holidays to anyone and everyone.
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Ross
Inspire
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:wub:

Very nice Goe. It had me rolling :P
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Fiona
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true in mind body spirit
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xD! Great job, Goe. Made my day. ^_^
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Tsurayaki
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THat was quite kewl ;)
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Nicola
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Zatharawrus
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Wtf I read this earlier ;_;

Made me smile though ^__^

Funny, as usual.
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*~AcE~*
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That was awsome. XD
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Apostilas
Unregistered

:haha: :haha: FUNNEH, You go Goe and Happeh Birth of Jesus. :haha: :santa:
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SyKo
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aka godman123
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Juano
Dec 24 2005, 05:14 PM
I can safely say, I have just laughed so hard no one could fathome it. My God that was good. Great job. I only saw Lucius speak once :P

Yeh, and Happy Holidays to anyone and everyone.

I agree :santa:
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Alpha°
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s a v e _ m e.
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Awsome Goe. Chuck Norris Owns.
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phractured
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Kool like Koolaid
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Goe
Dec 25 2005, 12:00 AM

Goe: Freakin' sweet, man! I need to get some newspapers printed.

I could have that arranged...
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Dave
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Quote:
 

Locke: Goe! The party is in 10 minutes. We need you there, or we can't have the party. Get off the set, we need you!
Goe: Hey, Brad. But... Bill is gone. Because he's just not man enough to run this show. But I am!
Trav-Man: Can I run the show?
Locke: Yes! Trav! Run the show! Just get Goe out of there!
Ross: I have an idea. Lets shoot him.

::Awkward Silence::

Ross: What?

::...::


Haha!

Excellent stuff. Had me rollin. And exposed the reason why the staff aren't each given guns to help with spam. O_o
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Vettore
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DON VETTORE
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I love Katies part. :wub:
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convergent
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What was that? I've never read a more boring peice of crap EVER. <_<

Hehe, jk. Very cool you hippy
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Sean.
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International pimp of mystery
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Quote:
 
Ross: Dude. I want guns.


:santa:


Nice work, Goe :)
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