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High School Transfer Essay
Topic Started: Jan 31 2006, 07:58 PM (1,314 Views)
Max
My respects; Eggs, Lites <3
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Hey wassup guys I know I haven't been here in the longest time but I really need help with this essay (because I'm transferring high schools) and I want to make it almost perfect. It would be a great if you guys would help me with any mistakes or with anything I should add or take out. I'm basicly trying to 'sell myself' in the essay making me sound like the best guy to ever accept into their high school.

This is what I have down so far;

Quote:
 
You may have hundreds of students applying to your exceptional high school, but I am not like the other students. I am unique, responsible, and knowledgeable. I could be a huge asset to your school, because me, unlike others will acquire the good education I will receive in your school and apply it to everyday life. I’ve always been a great student all my life, and I give a hundred percent into everything I do.

The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I am the whole package. Not only am I intelligent, reliable, responsible, but also an outstanding athlete. I participate in sports such as Basketball, Baseball, Track, and Football.

You may be wondering why I would transfer from such an admirable private school. My reason is because I believe that it is not necessary to pay for an excellent education. All you need is dedication and commitment from the student, and everything will work as it should. I have this dedication and commitment, I will strive to keep gratifying grades, conduct myself in a manner that is acceptable not only to my teachers, but to my fellow classmates. I will treat others with respect and courtesy, as I will like them to treat me the same way.

I will be incredibly grateful if you accept me into your wonderful educational establishment. Thank you for taking the time in reading this essay, and even considering accepting me into your school.


Opinions are welcome :)
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Cody-ZNR
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Hey man, long time no see.

"The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I am the whole package."

I think I would word that a little different, you don't want to sound too cocky.
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Max
My respects; Eggs, Lites <3
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Cody.
Jan 31 2006, 08:05 PM
Hey man, long time no see.

"The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I am the whole package."

I think I would word that a little different, you don't want to sound too cocky.

Wassup John Cena. Lmao. I'm supposed to sound conceited, that's the point I'm "selling myself".
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Cody-ZNR
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Max
Feb 1 2006, 12:06 AM
Cody.
Jan 31 2006, 08:05 PM
Hey man, long time no see.

"The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I am the whole package."

I think I would word that a little different, you don't want to sound too cocky.

Wassup John Cena. Lmao. I'm supposed to sound conceited, that's the point I'm "selling myself".

Alright, then I think it's fine. Good luck. :)
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Exioge
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notably vague
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Quote:
 
You may have hundreds of students applying to your exceptional high school, but I am not like the other students. I am unique, responsible, and knowledgeable. I could be a huge asset to your school because I, unlike others, will acquire the phenomenal education I receive from your school and apply it to everyday life. I have been a great student all throughout my life, and I give a hundred and ten percent into everything that I do.

The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I am the whole package. Not only am I intelligent, reliable, and responsible, but I am also an outstanding athlete. I participate in sports such as basketball, baseball, track, and football.

You may be wondering why I would transfer from such an admirable private school. My reason is because I believe that it is not necessary to pay for an excellent education. All you need is dedication and commitment from the student, and everything will work as it should. I have this dedication and commitment, for I strive to keep gratifying grades, as well as conduct myself in a manner acceptable not only to my teachers, but also to my fellow classmates as well. I will treat others with respect and courtesy, just as I would like them to treat me the same way.

I will be incredibly grateful if you accept me into your wonderful educational establishment. Thank you for taking the time in reading this essay, and even considering accepting me into your school.


Edited it up a bit. But overall, nice job on it.
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Nitrogenix
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Back after a while.
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Max
Jan 31 2006, 09:06 PM
Cody.
Jan 31 2006, 08:05 PM
Hey man, long time no see.

"The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I am the whole package."

I think I would word that a little different, you don't want to sound too cocky.

Wassup John Cena. Lmao. I'm supposed to sound conceited, that's the point I'm "selling myself".

Are you John Cena ? :huh:
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Cody-ZNR
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Nitrogenix
Feb 1 2006, 12:15 AM
Max
Jan 31 2006, 09:06 PM
Cody.
Jan 31 2006, 08:05 PM
Hey man, long time no see.

"The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I am the whole package."

I think I would word that a little different, you don't want to sound too cocky.

Wassup John Cena. Lmao. I'm supposed to sound conceited, that's the point I'm "selling myself".

Are you John Cena ? :huh:

Lol, I used to be JohnCenaWL. That's what he calls me.
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Max
My respects; Eggs, Lites <3
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Exioge
Jan 31 2006, 08:09 PM
Quote:
 
You may have hundreds of students applying to your exceptional high school, but I am not like the other students. I am unique, responsible, and knowledgeable. I could be a huge asset to your school because I, unlike others, will acquire the phenomenal education I receive from your school and apply it to everyday life. I have been a great student all throughout my life, and I give a hundred and ten percent into everything that I do.

The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I am the whole package. Not only am I intelligent, reliable, and responsible, but I am also an outstanding athlete. I participate in sports such as basketball, baseball, track, and football.

You may be wondering why I would transfer from such an admirable private school. My reason is because I believe that it is not necessary to pay for an excellent education. All you need is dedication and commitment from the student, and everything will work as it should. I have this dedication and commitment, for I strive to keep gratifying grades, as well as conduct myself in a manner acceptable not only to my teachers, but also to my fellow classmates as well. I will treat others with respect and courtesy, just as I would like them to treat me the same way.

I will be incredibly grateful if you accept me into your wonderful educational establishment. Thank you for taking the time in reading this essay, and even considering accepting me into your school.


Edited it up a bit. But overall, nice job on it.

That's really good, thanks a lot man.
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Ross
Inspire
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And before anyone asks. This isn't homework, this is something completely different so it is in complete compliance with the General Chat rules :)

Here is my version Max, good luck ^_^

Quote:
 
I have no doubt that you are receiving hundreds of applications, from students searching for a superb education such as this, but I am not like the other students. I am set apart from the bulk of students due to my uniqueness, responsibility, and intelligence. I would be a huge asset to your school, and someone you won't regret walking your hallways. Unlike others, I will apply the outstanding education that I will receive here to my everyday life. I’ve always been a hard working and goal oriented student. And I promise to put one hundred percent into everything I do.

The reason I would be such a beneficial asset to your school is that I have a well rounded character, that would be desirable anywhere. Not only am I intelligent, reliable, responsible, and trustworthy; but I am also an outstanding athlete. I participate, and excel, in sports such as basketball, baseball, track, and football.

You may be wondering why I would transfer from such an admirable private school. My reasoning behind the transition is because I believe that it is not necessary to pay for an excellent education. Any student equipped with dedication and commitment, would produce fruit from any educational facility that he/she wishes to attend. These qualities can certainly be found within me. I have this dedication and commitment. I will constantly strive to earn remarkable grades, and over-perform in any area I am operating in. I will conduct myself in a manner that is acceptable not only to my teachers, but to my fellow classmates and peers. I will treat others with respect and courtesy, as I believe that the core of a student exists within their character.

I will be incredibly grateful and appreciative if you accept me into your wonderful educational establishment. Thank you for taking the time to reading this essay, and for considering my acceptance into your school.

Once again, good luck :yes: And it is good to see you posting ^_^
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sicakura
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Honestly, thats not an essay. It's not even half a page. I don't know if you have specifications on length, but if I were going to accept a student, I would want to see at least one well written, full, page.

Secondly, your idea of "selling" your self makes you look a bit...cheap.
You are basically saying the same thing over; "exceptional school", "wonderful education establishment", and how you are a great person. I'm sure they want to know you are a great person, but you need more body and structure, and less adjectives and "sucking up".

Also, never say "should", "would" or "could" in a persuasive essay. They need to know that you know, not that you could be, or would be a great asset, ect.

Quote:
 
I could be a huge asset to your school, because me, unlike others will acquire the good education I will receive in your school and apply it to everyday life. .


That does not make sense, read it over. It is also an assumption. You don't want to assume that you and only you will be an asset.
You need to be more subtle in your persuasions.

-------------

Hopefully that wasn't too harsh. I'm just an editor. :|
I don't know how much time you have to work on this, but I would really look over it, and think of other things to say about why you want to be accepted, while using less flowery diction.
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.Achilles
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sicakura
Jan 31 2006, 07:55 PM
Honestly, thats not an essay. It's not even half a page. I don't know if you have specifications on length, but if I were going to accept a student, I would want to see at least one well written, full, page.


quality over quantity :) But I agree with the most of your post.
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Drew
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Very nice. ^_^
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Juano
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sicakura
Jan 31 2006, 05:55 PM
Honestly, thats not an essay. It's not even half a page. I don't know if you have specifications on length, but if I were going to accept a student, I would want to see at least one well written, full, page.

Secondly, your idea of "selling" your self makes you look a bit...cheap.
You are basically saying the same thing over; "exceptional school", "wonderful education establishment", and how you are a great person. I'm sure they want to know you are a great person, but you need more body and structure, and less adjectives and "sucking up".

Also, never say "should", "would" or "could" in a persuasive essay. They need to know that you know, not that you could be, or would be a great asset, ect.

Quote:
 
I could be a huge asset to your school, because me, unlike others will acquire the good education I will receive in your school and apply it to everyday life. .


That does not make sense, read it over. It is also an assumption. You don't want to assume that you and only you will be an asset.
You need to be more subtle in your persuasions.

-------------

Hopefully that wasn't too harsh. I'm just an editor. :|
I don't know how much time you have to work on this, but I would really look over it, and think of other things to say about why you want to be accepted, while using less flowery diction.

I'd have to completely agree. The ammount of repition is quite distasteful. overall I guess it'd be fair enough for them. I'd make many edits though.
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Ulf
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sicakura
Jan 31 2006, 07:55 PM
Also, never say "should", "would" or "could" in a persuasive essay. They need to know that you know, not that you could be, or would be a great asset, ect.



Definately consider this.


Good luck macks
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limester816
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Obligatory OMG Max post.

Wassup.
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