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High School Transfer Essay
Topic Started: Jan 31 2006, 07:58 PM (1,313 Views)
Postulate
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You're the point
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Quote:
 
Also, never say "should", "would" or "could" in a persuasive essay. They need to know that you know, not that you could be, or would be a great asset, ect.


Bingo. You will be a great asset to their school. That's the best piece of advice I've seen so far.
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Fleetcom
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Ulf
Feb 1 2006, 02:26 AM
sicakura
Jan 31 2006, 07:55 PM
Also, never say "should", "would" or "could" in a persuasive essay. They need to know that you know, not that you could be, or would be a great asset, ect.



Definately consider this.


Good luck macks

Words of the wise.
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GDF
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Amazing.

That's packed in even more good looking bull**** than my IB application.

You're gonna get far dude, nice.
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Max
My respects; Eggs, Lites <3
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sicakura
Jan 31 2006, 08:55 PM
Honestly, thats not an essay. It's not even half a page. I don't know if you have specifications on length, but if I were going to accept a student, I would want to see at least one well written, full, page.

Secondly, your idea of "selling" your self makes you look a bit...cheap.
You are basically saying the same thing over; "exceptional school", "wonderful education establishment", and how you are a great person. I'm sure they want to know you are a great person, but you need more body and structure, and less adjectives and "sucking up".

Also, never say "should", "would" or "could" in a persuasive essay. They need to know that you know, not that you could be, or would be a great asset, ect.

Quote:
 
I could be a huge asset to your school, because me, unlike others will acquire the good education I will receive in your school and apply it to everyday life. .


That does not make sense, read it over. It is also an assumption. You don't want to assume that you and only you will be an asset.
You need to be more subtle in your persuasions.

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Hopefully that wasn't too harsh. I'm just an editor. :|
I don't know how much time you have to work on this, but I would really look over it, and think of other things to say about why you want to be accepted, while using less flowery diction.

Can you maybe rewrite it and show us what you mean? :/
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Curare
laaaaaaax.
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limester816
Jan 31 2006, 09:37 PM
Obligatory OMG Max post.

Wassup.

QFT =O
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sicakura
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Max
Feb 3 2006, 12:38 AM
sicakura
Jan 31 2006, 08:55 PM
Honestly, thats not an essay. It's not even half a page. I don't know if you have specifications on length, but if I were going to accept a student, I would want to see at least one well written, full, page.

Secondly, your idea of "selling" your self makes you look a bit...cheap.
You are basically saying the same thing over; "exceptional school", "wonderful education establishment", and how you are a great person. I'm sure they want to know you are a great person, but you need more body and structure, and less adjectives and "sucking up".

Also, never say "should", "would" or "could" in a persuasive essay. They need to know that you know, not that you could be, or would be a great asset, ect.

Quote:
 
I could be a huge asset to your school, because me, unlike others will acquire the good education I will receive in your school and apply it to everyday life. .


That does not make sense, read it over. It is also an assumption. You don't want to assume that you and only you will be an asset.
You need to be more subtle in your persuasions.

-------------

Hopefully that wasn't too harsh. I'm just an editor. :|
I don't know how much time you have to work on this, but I would really look over it, and think of other things to say about why you want to be accepted, while using less flowery diction.

Can you maybe rewrite it and show us what you mean? :/

I'll re-write your part, but not a whole page. One other thing I though of, was if they know who you are? If not, you may want to add a small introduction paragraph in the beginning.
Also, I have to say, I'm a bit of a hypocrite editor. I can edit what you put in front of me, but I'm not the greatest writer(I hate writing actually), especially with persuassive essays. :sigh: But I'll see what I can do.
-----------

EDIT-


Quote:
 
[Introduction paragraph here??]

               As I may be one of many students applying to [insert the schools name here] High School, I believe I am unlike other applicants. My transfer from the admirable Private school [insert school name] was due to the belief that an excellent education does not need to come from payments sent to a private organization. It takes dedication and commitment from a student to excel in the educational world, and I have these assets. I consider myself a unique individual, as well as responsible and knowledgeable in many areas. I strive to keep top grades and always conduct myself in a manner that is acceptable not only to my teacher’s, but to my fellow classmates as well. I treat others with the respect and courtesy they deserve, only hoping for the same in return. I will be a great addition to [HS name] High School because I will put to use the education I receive and apply it to everyday life. My academic record has been exceptional throughout my years as a student, and I put forth one hundred percent effort into everything I perform. I also apply these ideals in activities outside of the classroom excelling at basketball, baseball, track, and football. [maybe add a sentence more so it doesn’t sound out of place]

It would be my great honor to be accepted into your wonderful educational establishment and I thank you for taking the time to read my submission and consider my entering this school.


Just put it into one paragraph, changed some diction, tried not to repeat content, and changed the order you had it in. In the last paragraph I used "would", but because your being "modest" and it's an appeal for the future, I think it's ok to use it there, but of course change what you want. I Also changed most everything to present tense, becuase all that past tense made it sound like you didn't do all those things before but your just saying you will once you get into the school.

Anyways, hope that helped, and hopefully you can make it a bit longer with some interesting eyecatchy stuff. Keep in mind the ones reading the applications like interesting things, becuase they read so many of these. They always pick the ones that stand out.
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