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Pat Shorts Words of Wisdom; *use the loo before you read*
Topic Started: May 28 2007, 01:57 PM (610 Views)
madirishdoll
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AKA Madgal
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Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so
that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain
and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply
stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by
not buying the ******* thing in the first place, you
fat *******.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool
in your home by filling the bath with cold water,
adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your
legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply
lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.


Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice
bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on
about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that
since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special
dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask
for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the
end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few
years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof
of your car before starting a long journey. You drive
the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look
like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than
them by banging your feet twice on each stair

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy
'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that
important first date. All he's interested in is
seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to
swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen
wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your
car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of
washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting
one in your shopping trolley and the other in your
coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing
Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey
embarrassing or offensive.





This guy is so funny, hes the best of the best comedians.
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lukyboy2435
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Monday-8 EST-FOX
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I guess some of them were allright, nothing too hilarious though.
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Walkure
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LUNATIC
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They're okay.
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Colin.
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she was this androgynist
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I think I'm getting stupid, I didn't get the Toblerone one.

I thought they were pretty funny, I chuckled at a few.
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Lugiatm
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Member
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Didn't find any of them funny, a couple of them offensive :/
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Krissy
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--
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Colin.
May 28 2007, 03:50 PM
I think I'm getting stupid, I didn't get the Toblerone one.

I thought they were pretty funny, I chuckled at a few.

I didn't get that one either >.<

I liked the goldfish one, lol.
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madirishdoll
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AKA Madgal
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Lugiatm
May 28 2007, 08:53 PM
Didn't find any of them funny, a couple of them offensive :/

Lighten up a bit????

Obviously haven't got that great Irish sense of humor. They're only offensive if you make them that way.
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Krissy
May 28 2007, 07:54 PM
Colin.
May 28 2007, 03:50 PM
I think I'm getting stupid, I didn't get the Toblerone one.

I thought they were pretty funny, I chuckled at a few.

I didn't get that one either >.<

I liked the goldfish one, lol.

i didnt get it either.... wait...nope dont get it
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Colin.
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she was this androgynist
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
madirishdoll
May 28 2007, 05:36 PM
Lugiatm
May 28 2007, 08:53 PM
Didn't find any of them funny, a couple of them offensive :/

Lighten up a bit????

Obviously haven't got that great Irish sense of humor. They're only offensive if you make them that way.

I don't see any of them offensive. :ermm: Offensive stuff is laughing at people at things they cannot change. The only people being laughed at here are the ones who do it on purpose. >__>

Could you explain the Toblerone one? xD I just don't get it.
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Clapton
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Also known as Feare, Aoine, Slowhand
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I liked the parking ticket one :P
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Lugiatm
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Colin.
May 28 2007, 09:44 PM
madirishdoll
May 28 2007, 05:36 PM
Lugiatm
May 28 2007, 08:53 PM
Didn't find any of them funny, a couple of them offensive :/

Lighten up a bit????

Obviously haven't got that great Irish sense of humor. They're only offensive if you make them that way.

I don't see any of them offensive. :ermm: Offensive stuff is laughing at people at things they cannot change. The only people being laughed at here are the ones who do it on purpose. >__>

Anorexia is a serious mental illness? And I honestly fail to see how the suggestion that people with high blood pressure should cut themselves is funny :/
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Monty-Po
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Metalosophy
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Quote:
 
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that
important first date. All he's interested in is
seeing you starkers.


Yay for stereotypical jokes.

:|
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madirishdoll
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AKA Madgal
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Ok... you know inside a supermarket checkout, they normally have a wee thing to seperate your groceries from the other persons groceries? It normally says 'NEXT PLEASE'
Well dyslexic people use a Tobelerone bar as it looks the same except says Toblerone http://www.winosi.onlinehome.de/Images/Gal...s/Toblerone.jpg


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Vettore
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DON VETTORE
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Monty-Po
May 29 2007, 07:33 AM
Quote:
 
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that
important first date. All he's interested in is
seeing you starkers.


Yay for stereotypical jokes.

:|

Oh come on you know it's always true. :P

Quote:
 
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice
bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on
about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference.



I'm a vegetarian and I thought it was quite funny. :) ^_^
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.Geeko
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The Geek Of SZ.
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Colin.
May 28 2007, 09:44 PM
madirishdoll
May 28 2007, 05:36 PM
Lugiatm
May 28 2007, 08:53 PM
Didn't find any of them funny, a couple of them offensive :/

Lighten up a bit????

Obviously haven't got that great Irish sense of humor. They're only offensive if you make them that way.


Could you explain the Toblerone one? xD I just don't get it.

xD I got that one. :sigh:

You know those 'next customer' things you get when you are waiting in line at the till at a supermarket? A Toblerone is like one of those things. :huh:

Oh... haha. It has been answered. ;)
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