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| Pat Shorts Words of Wisdom; *use the loo before you read* | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 28 2007, 01:57 PM (612 Views) | |
| madirishdoll | May 28 2007, 01:57 PM Post #1 |
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AKA Madgal
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Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ******* thing in the first place, you fat *******. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. This guy is so funny, hes the best of the best comedians. |
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| lukyboy2435 | May 28 2007, 02:09 PM Post #2 |
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Monday-8 EST-FOX
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I guess some of them were allright, nothing too hilarious though. |
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| Walkure | May 28 2007, 02:46 PM Post #3 |
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LUNATIC
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They're okay. |
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| Colin. | May 28 2007, 03:50 PM Post #4 |
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she was this androgynist
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I think I'm getting stupid, I didn't get the Toblerone one. I thought they were pretty funny, I chuckled at a few. |
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| Lugiatm | May 28 2007, 03:53 PM Post #5 |
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Member
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Didn't find any of them funny, a couple of them offensive
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| Krissy | May 28 2007, 03:54 PM Post #6 |
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I didn't get that one either >.< I liked the goldfish one, lol. |
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| madirishdoll | May 28 2007, 05:36 PM Post #7 |
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AKA Madgal
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Lighten up a bit???? Obviously haven't got that great Irish sense of humor. They're only offensive if you make them that way. |
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| Deleted User | May 28 2007, 05:43 PM Post #8 |
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Deleted User
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i didnt get it either.... wait...nope dont get it |
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| Colin. | May 28 2007, 05:44 PM Post #9 |
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she was this androgynist
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I don't see any of them offensive. Offensive stuff is laughing at people at things they cannot change. The only people being laughed at here are the ones who do it on purpose. >__>Could you explain the Toblerone one? xD I just don't get it. |
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| Clapton | May 28 2007, 06:09 PM Post #10 |
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Also known as Feare, Aoine, Slowhand
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I liked the parking ticket one
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| Lugiatm | May 29 2007, 03:27 AM Post #11 |
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Anorexia is a serious mental illness? And I honestly fail to see how the suggestion that people with high blood pressure should cut themselves is funny
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| Monty-Po | May 29 2007, 03:33 AM Post #12 |
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Metalosophy
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Yay for stereotypical jokes.
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| madirishdoll | May 29 2007, 08:54 AM Post #13 |
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AKA Madgal
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Ok... you know inside a supermarket checkout, they normally have a wee thing to seperate your groceries from the other persons groceries? It normally says 'NEXT PLEASE' Well dyslexic people use a Tobelerone bar as it looks the same except says Toblerone http://www.winosi.onlinehome.de/Images/Gal...s/Toblerone.jpg |
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| Vettore | May 29 2007, 02:47 PM Post #14 |
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DON VETTORE
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Oh come on you know it's always true. ![]()
I'm a vegetarian and I thought it was quite funny.
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| .Geeko | May 29 2007, 02:53 PM Post #15 |
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The Geek Of SZ.
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xD I got that one. :sigh: Oh... haha. It has been answered.
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10:48 AM Jul 11
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Offensive stuff is laughing at people at things they cannot change. The only people being laughed at here are the ones who do it on purpose. >__>

10:48 AM Jul 11